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The pain of things as they are now. The pain of things as they are now took over this morning; a deep sense that I did something wrong and unkind when I believed that I was doing the right thing. And then there was the punishment that followed, the punitive behavior I’ve had to bear after learning that I was mistaken and should have known better.

I wish I had known better but no, and you can't go back in time.

What photographic image would illustrate the pain of things as they are now, of being ostracized? What photo would illustrate the suffering of feeling shamed and stupid for not knowing that my actions cut another? How do I show sorrow for regret and wrongness followed by punishment? The kind of punishment that makes perfect sense to someone else, maybe even everyone else, but I am forced to grapple with and study daily?

This is the exploration and the uncovering of the path that I am walking. It’s the photograph that I’m searching for.

Wisdom

All photographs are memento mori. To take a photograph is to participate in another person’s (or thing’s) mortality, vulnerability, mutability. Precisely by slicing out this moment and freezing it, all photographs testify to time’s relentless melt.
— Susan Sontag

Journal — mercy

What turns me on about photography? Nearly everything. Which photographers do it for me? Nearly all of them. I lived in San Diego in my twenties. It was a great place to live in the 80's - West Coast beaches, perfect weather and oh! The Museum of Photographic Arts.

I loved that place, both the city and the museum. As the name implies, MoPA was (and is) solely dedicated to the photographic arts. I knew about photography, of course. Well, I knew who Ansel Adams was so yeah, I knew what was going on - until I visited MoPA for the first time. That's when you know you don't know. You could get an education just browsing the books in the bookstore.

It was definitely something I was looking for. It was something that had a hold on me and influenced my vision of the world, though at the time I didn't know to what degree.

I was introduced to the work of Roy DeCarava, Dorothea Lange, Robert Frank, Keith Carter and numerous other photographers. I wanted to learn more about Pictorialism, documentary photography, abstract photography, street photography.  I was quiet then about my excitement because I was surrounded by people that were so knowledgeable in my eyes. I met people who were bona fide photographers. I couldn't see myself achieving anything in comparison to these people or even knowing as much about this art form.

In hindsight, what I was seeing was a collective of knowledge by many people who chose to make photography a part of their lives. I was taking all of the art and combining it together in a mountainous collection made by one person: the photographer. I've learned since and what may be obvious to others, is that there is no one vision, there is no one person that is adept at creating everything that I was awed by. Years later I've learned that there is room for me. It was sort of unbelievable that I had a voice that was just as important as anyone else. 

I have a voice and I still have heroes. I will never stop being awed by photography (or any other form of creative expression, for that matter) and I will never stop learning. I'd love to share some of what informs my photography with you. So let me start with a Gregory Crewdson video from Nowness.


 

"The central theme in these pictures I think is a kind of search for meaning, a search for home, a search for some sense of connection"

– Gregory Crewson